Do you really think I have ANY idea?
I believe this is meant for random thoughts that go through my head. Believe me, i have an infinite amount of those.

1st October 2009


So THAT’S why they call it Randum!

Oh, for the frustration of schooling. They expect you to know some things that you just don’t (or can’t remember). I knew AP was going to be hard, but I still thought I could maintain my A’s that I’m so accustomed to getting. I really wouldn’t care so much if it wasn’t for college (the cost of attendance, acceptance isn’t as much my worry). Things I thought I was good at (or at least decent at), like essays. I fear for the loss of my voice in the academic style that wants everyone to sound exactly the same. Though I don’t hate what it could become, the process in getting there is ridiculous. I used to be fantastic at writing. What happened? Examples? Or was I always really just mistaking myself? Maybe I was never really taught how to write a good paper, maybe no one ever taught me what I was doing wrong- nothing beyond the basic elements of it, of course. I’d so much rather just tell you a story; tell you something I care about. I’d love to just give my opinion with logic- not random evidence.

Frankly, I just don’t know what to do. I’ll try, I suppose. I wish my best was “good enough”. That stopped being the case when my parents told me that not only am I probably not eligible for much financial aid, but they saved/will help me pay for nothing. Sure, a “blessing in disguise”- where my parents will have no means of control over me next year, but… if I’m forced to go to UMass (though not a “bad” school at all)-what was the point of it all? What was the point of spending all this time trying to get the best grades/test scores I could? What was the point of doing anything at this level? I was trying to avoid committing to art.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore art with all my heart and soul. I just don’t believe I’m “good enough” to make it on that alone. And I have other interests… so many other loves that I don’t want to be stuck as a “starving artist” when I could’ve been something that maybe had more of a guarantee that I’ll at least be able to get a “proper” job. Sure, of course I would do anything in my power to prosper anyways. If I could make it just as an artist… well I suppose it depends. Besides, who cares about my ideas besides those close to me? I think I’m interesting, but about 99% of people could not even give a fuck about my existence. Which is fine, I suppose, I don’t care about them either.

I just want what everyone else wants. My own piece of happiness and satisfaction with life.