Oh, for the frustration of schooling. They expect you to know some things that you just don’t (or can’t remember). I knew AP was going to be hard, but I still thought I could maintain my A’s that I’m so accustomed to getting. I really wouldn’t care so much if it wasn’t for college (the cost of attendance, acceptance isn’t as much my worry). Things I thought I was good at (or at least decent at), like essays. I fear for the loss of my voice in the academic style that wants everyone to sound exactly the same. Though I don’t hate what it could become, the process in getting there is ridiculous. I used to be fantastic at writing. What happened? Examples? Or was I always really just mistaking myself? Maybe I was never really taught how to write a good paper, maybe no one ever taught me what I was doing wrong- nothing beyond the basic elements of it, of course. I’d so much rather just tell you a story; tell you something I care about. I’d love to just give my opinion with logic- not random evidence.
Frankly, I just don’t know what to do. I’ll try, I suppose. I wish my best was “good enough”. That stopped being the case when my parents told me that not only am I probably not eligible for much financial aid, but they saved/will help me pay for nothing. Sure, a “blessing in disguise”- where my parents will have no means of control over me next year, but… if I’m forced to go to UMass (though not a “bad” school at all)-what was the point of it all? What was the point of spending all this time trying to get the best grades/test scores I could? What was the point of doing anything at this level? I was trying to avoid committing to art.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore art with all my heart and soul. I just don’t believe I’m “good enough” to make it on that alone. And I have other interests… so many other loves that I don’t want to be stuck as a “starving artist” when I could’ve been something that maybe had more of a guarantee that I’ll at least be able to get a “proper” job. Sure, of course I would do anything in my power to prosper anyways. If I could make it just as an artist… well I suppose it depends. Besides, who cares about my ideas besides those close to me? I think I’m interesting, but about 99% of people could not even give a fuck about my existence. Which is fine, I suppose, I don’t care about them either.
I just want what everyone else wants. My own piece of happiness and satisfaction with life.